


Plans are Made

by nerdythingsinmycorner



Category: Boondock Saints (Movies)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Feels, M/M, Multi, Twincest, dark mood, don't read this if you're easily depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 06:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6363928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdythingsinmycorner/pseuds/nerdythingsinmycorner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murphy makes plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plans are Made

Murphy sits against the wall in the garden, out of sight from the door and hidden in the shadows from view out of the windows, not that anyone will be looking for him, he knows they all think he’s gone at work. He’s been gone a lot, but work is only a portion of that time. He’s been getting lost, letting his memories take him away from here, trying desperately to get rid of the dark thoughts building in him. Now he’s smoking, chain-smoking technically and he knows Connor would scold him for it, mention that he always smokes more when he’s emotional, but Connor’s not here to do it and the words only echo in his mind, a fond memory. He has lots of those, they’re the only thing keeping him here so far, even as they hurt him more. The fierce wish that he’d never wanted for more than them rises in him once more, it’s not new to him, the wanting. He knows that just a few words would have had his life going back to how it was before everything, if he had just said them to his twin before it all went so far. But he wouldn’t do that, not now. He knows Connor fears becoming their father, it was always the worst insult their ma could heap on them when they were younger and that ache is still there, but lately he thinks he’s more and more like their father. He won’t ask Connor to leave his responsibility and his all consuming need to care for people behind, it is after all one of the many things he loves so much about his brother, but he doesn’t know if he can stay here any longer. He loves his twin with everything he is, he always will until death and beyond, that’ll never change, and he loves the babies fiercely even though they’re not yet born. But love is not enough, he’s seen too many parents that love their children so much but should never have been parents. He knows he’s the same, he worries about it all the time. It doesn’t help that he just seems to be in the way now, a third wheel, unnecessary. He doesn’t know if it’s just a phase in the pregnancy or if it’s been building since their first meeting, but Lill wants nothing to do with him lately and in his place, Connor is there for every step, wandering further from him with each day that passes, that comes closer to the birth of their children. Connor’s going to be an amazing father, he knows it with every fibre of his being, he was born for this. But Murphy, Murphy is far too much like their lost father, wandering feet and rankling at the ties of responsibility. Maybe this is how it was always meant to be, how God had planned it. That Murphy would lead his heart to his purpose and leave him there to do what must be done. He didn’t know exactly how long it had been building inside him, but at this point it wasn’t so much of a will he go but a when. He already knew where he could get a new set of forged papers, good enough to take him far from here. Because he couldn’t return to Ireland, not with the way this would shame their ma and because it had only ever been home with Connor by his side, his whole world and the complete focus of it, the only thing that had ever mattered. And staying in Boston was never going to happen, Connor would find him, track him down easy as breathing. Murphy let his thoughts spin to a stop long enough to stub out one smoke and light another before the train started up again, swirling faster and darker and dragging him down. He didn’t care where he ended up, he’d take just enough of the cash left over from the Russians to get the papers and buy him the first ticket away from here, everything else would stay here. They’d need it, for the children, for their little twin girls who were gonna be so wonderful. He wouldn’t take any of his stuff either, just the clothes on his back and his rosary, no keepsakes, no reminders of what he was leaving, he’d be walking away from the only person that had ever been his home with every step he took away from here and he knew Connor would rage and scream and try to come after him, to drag him back and make him stay but he couldn’t, he couldn’t do that to them, to all of them, he’d just ruin them. Ruin them like he had ruined Connor already, but Connor wasn’t so far gone by his hands that he wouldn’t be able to build himself back up with the babies coming. And Murphy would break, somewhere where no one knew him and no one cared and those he loved would be all the better for it, too far away for his darkness to touch, to drag down with him. They would be bright and golden as Connor had been when they were still tiny and he would know in his own despair and broken heart that they would shine so brilliantly without him weighing them down with his own longing for the past, his melancholy and nostalgia. One more day, just one more day and a chance to tell Connor he was loved, completely and honestly with all he is, so that’d be the last memory his whole world would have of him after he realised he was gone. He wouldn’t say goodbye, wouldn’t let Connor convince him to stay, he’d just go, as if he was but leaving for work and then it’d be straight to get the papers and to the airport and away, didn’t matter where, Murphy wouldn’t be able to appreciate it anyway, it wouldn’t be like he was travelling the world, seeing everything he and Connor had talked about. He would be running, and he knew it, knew it for the cowardice it was but he didn’t know what else to do, didn’t know how to fix the mess he had become and this was the best thing for everyone, except him of course but he didn’t matter, he never had. Connor was the only thing that mattered and now those little girls growing in Lill’s body. He would hide from the other half of his soul with everything he had, because they needed him and he may be a coward and he may ruin everything he touches but he wouldn’t ruin this, wouldn’t darken them with himself, not while he still had the chance to change things. Another cigarette butt joined the others and he lit one more, only one more and then he’d go back inside, act as if everything was fine, as if he’d just come home from work and they’d never know. He’d gotten pretty good at hiding this since they’d been told Lill was pregnant, even Connor had no clue and that meant he had surpassed every hope of someone noticing, because Connor had always been the only person who could see through him. Tomorrow, he’d have his last day with Connor and then he’d leave, it was decided. He stubbed out the last smoke and rose, steps even and unhurried as he went back inside.


End file.
